Re-Wiring My System

Today is the first day of my new life. My brain and body haven't gotten the memo yet.

To catch you up, I quit my full-time career. My last day was Friday, August 28th, 2026. I've always had a job and a plan. I was 13 with a baby-sitting job. I was in high school with an afterschool job. I worked 4 jobs while in college. The year I didn't have a plan (after I failed out of graduate school) instilled in me so much fear and anxiety I swore I would never do that again. Instead I jumped into an 11-year career only to be pushed out by leadership incompetence and mis-managed priorities. For the past 11 years I've been ruled by routine, an academic calendar, and squeezing as much out of my weekends and evenings as I could. I've taken on part-time jobs when I haven't felt like I've been doing enough. All at the expense of my creativity, rest, and genuine living.

"If I don't stop moving, the bad thoughts can't catch me."

So now that I have nothing but time I feel absolutely paralyzed. I've had some terrible dreams the past two nights about all the things I didn't get done at work and what I need to do as soon as I get into the office this morning but there is no office to go to. New tasks started swirling - there's a pile of laundry, I need to scoop the litter boxes, grocery shopping, clean the bathroom...WAIT. I should be creative with this new freedom - start making Christmas presents, paint the wood dollhouse, work on my novel, make a zine...WAIT. Should I just rest? No, that is just a waste of all this new freedom.

My therapist and I have been talking a lot over the past few months about what it would mean to tap into my "B-Side". I was trying to describe what it felt like for most of my life, but especially adulthood, to always be reliable and responsible and not deviate too far from expectation. I finally came up with the metaphor of a vinyl record. On a record player, a vinyl record has to be flipped to get to the B-Side. Because there is a higher likelihood that the vinyl will just get replayed on the A-Side, artists put all their best songs on the A-Side. The hits and the reliable favorites. Then the B-Side is for the experimental, the not-so popular, the songs that are still good, but not great.

"Many bands’ B-sides were an admittance of creative fallibility, that their talents were limited and they were forced to record a cornucopia of dross for every glimmer of brilliance..." (NME)

What if my B-Side is my productive fallibility, embracing a messy, whimsical, too-much-love, too loud, overly joyous cornucopia. To do so means I need to re-wire my system. I came up with a list of 5 new attitudes I need to embrace:

• Rest, creativity, and productivity are no longer fighting over limited free time.

I'm no longer working for the weekend, or for vacation, or for winter break. A to-do list is a suggestion, not a requirement. Creativity comes in waves. Rest is not a waste of time.

• My time is my own, there is no need to rush.

Who or what am I rushing for? Why am I always running towards something. Exist in the present moment, it's fleeting.

• Work and productivity are not the #1 goal.

I am lucky enough to be in a place where I can quit my full-time job. I already have a part-time job and applications were already out for new full-time jobs before I even quit. I won't be without a job forever, but the goal for whatever I do next is that life doesn't revolve around work and productivity. They are just a way to make money so I can do the things I want to do.

• All days are equally available for whatever I want.

A day is a day and I can make it whatever I want. Time and calendars are useful but there are no good days or bad days. A Monday is the same as a Saturday.

• I don't have to follow an academic calendar.

Similar to all days being equal, all parts of the year are equal. Summer isn't the only time to have fun, winter isn't the only time to see family. September 1st can be my "New Year" if I want it to be.

The new goal: just live my life.

Welcome to the B-Side.